My Messed-Up Life Page 10

  WHEN: Next Saturday.

  WHERE: Dudley’s house.

  OBJECTIVE: If The Wiener has a skeleton in his closet, we will find it.

  16

  ‘You’re right. Detective work can be kind of boring,’ Jean-Paul said to me on Saturday morning, as we crouched together behind the newspaper box at Main and Eleventh. Phoebe was in Skip to My Loo across the street.

  That’s right. Jean-Paul was with us. I still couldn’t believe it.

  What happened was this: He’d finally showed up at school on Tuesday morning. When Phoebe and I walked past his locker, I said, aiming for casual, ‘Oh, hey, Jean-Paul. Where have you been?’

  ‘My dad flew me to Winnipeg for a long weekend.’

  ‘How was it?’

  ‘Great,’ he said. ‘We played hockey on the outdoor rink every day. And he took me to Ray and Jerry’s. It’s this awesome steak house. Mom hardly ever cooks red meat, so I stuffed myself.’

  ‘Sounds fun,’ I said. I was about to walk away, but Phoebe grabbed my arm, forcing me to stay.

  ‘We’re going on another stakeout this Saturday,’ she told him.

  ‘Cool. Can I come?’

  ‘Well, it won’t be very interesting,’ I started.

  ‘Of course you can come,’ Phoebe said.

  Jean-Paul smiled. ‘Great. You can give me the details later. See you in class.’

  Then he walked away. Phoebe just looked at me and shook her head. ‘Honestly, Violet. What would you do without me?’

  ‘I’ve often asked myself the same question.’

  •••

  Phoebe, Jean-Paul, and I had met up at 9:00 a.m. sharp at the corner of Main and King Edward. First we’d headed to The Wiener’s apartment, which wasn’t far from his shop. I’d realised on Friday that I didn’t actually know where he lived, and I agonised over how to ask my mom for his address without raising suspicion. But, as usual, Phoebe saved the day: She just looked him up in the online white pages. He was, not surprisingly, the only ‘D. Wiener’ listed.

  The building Dudley lived in was a bit shabby. His apartment was on the second floor, and the windows were spotted with rain. Through our binoculars, we could make out only a few things: shelves overflowing with books; a floral-patterned couch that seemed an odd choice for a man; a fish tank; and a dying fern. At one point, I tried to sneak into the building behind a little old lady, but she gave me the hairy eyeball and closed the door in my face. Twenty minutes after that, Dudley stepped out, dressed for work. We’d followed him, staying about a block behind. Aside from buying a muffin and a coffee at Bean Around the World, he didn’t make any stops before reaching his shop. Phoebe waited for a good ten minutes after he’d turned the CLOSED sign to OPEN before she crossed the street.

  ‘That’s a unique toque,’ Jean-Paul said to me.

  ‘I’ll pretend that was a compliment,’ I replied. I was wearing the beagle toque Amanda had made me for Christmas.

  ‘Anyway, look who’s talking,’ I said, ‘you’re dressed for a stakeout in Siberia.’

  He laughed. ‘You’re right! This is how we dress for winter in Winnipeg.’ He was wearing a down-filled parka with a big fake-fur-lined hood. When he had it up, he had no peripheral vision. On his feet was a big pair of Sorel winter boots. ‘But at least I’m warm. How are you?’

  ‘Fine.’ That was a lie. It was a cold, damp, drizzly March day, and despite having two layers of fleece under my rain jacket and a pair of long johns under my jeans, I was shivering.

  ‘Your nose is red,’ Jean-Paul said. He pulled off a mitten and touched the tip of it with his finger. ‘And freezing.’

  Body contact. I felt tingly all over. The monologue going on inside my head was deafening.

  This is the moment. This is your chance to invite him to the Sadie Hawkins Dance.

  (But I don’t want to go to the dance! I don’t believe in this sort of stuff!)

  Liar! You’re totally in love with him!

  (You’re the liar. I am not in love. Love is—)

  Nothing but trouble, blah blah blah. Shut up and ask him!

  Honestly, it was not pleasant. But I couldn’t shut it off.

  I opened my mouth to respond – then I saw him wipe his hand on his jeans before he slid his mitten back on. The inner monologue started up again.

  Oh, God. Is my nose running? Did his finger come away wet? Gross! I can’t ask him to the dance moments after he’s touched my snot!

  As my inner voice continued to torment me, Phoebe bounced up beside us. ‘Nothing interesting, sorry,’ she said, grabbing my backpack and pulling out a sandwich. We’d told our parents we were going to the library to work on a school project, so the pack was filled with decoy books as well as food.

  ‘I’ll go in for a while,’ said Jean-Paul.

  Then he did the most amazing thing. He took off his parka and wrapped it around my shoulders. ‘Here, wear it while I’m gone. It’ll warm you up in no time.’

  I pulled the parka close as he headed across the street, breathing in his scent.

  ‘Did you do it?’ Phoebe demanded. ‘Did you invite him to the dance?’

  I shook my head. Phoebe had invited Andrew at school the day before, and he’d said yes.

  ‘But the dance is on Wednesday, Violet.’

  ‘I know, I know. I tried. But I’m very conflicted—’

  ‘Violet, seriously. This is getting tired. It’s obvious you like him. So take the plunge! Take a chance on romance. Be like the Nike ad: Just Do It!’

  ‘OK, OK, enough.’

  Phoebe and I ate more sandwiches while we waited for Jean-Paul. His coat was luxuriously warm. Within ten minutes, I was completely toasty. After twenty minutes, I wanted to have a nap.

  I was stifling a huge yawn when we saw Jean-Paul leave the store. He walked across the street, then he strolled right past us, motioning for us to follow him. He ducked around a corner. We gathered up all of our gear, and, after making sure Dudley wasn’t looking out the window, we joined him.

  ‘You won’t believe this,’ he told us. ‘I went in and started to browse. He remembered me. He asked if my mom liked the soap. Then the phone rang. He went behind the counter to answer the call. It must have been a friend or someone he knew.’

  ‘Male or female?’

  ‘I don’t know. But I heard him say, I can’t tonight. I already have plans.’

  ‘That’s right,’ I said. ‘He’s coming to our place for a dinner party. My mom thinks it’s time he met her friends.’

  ‘Then the friend must have asked about Sunday because he said, Sunday’s no good either, I’m afraid. I’m going to see my wife.’

  17

  ‘Going to see my wife could mean a lot of things,’ Phoebe reasoned, as the three of us trudged back up Main Street.

  ‘It could mean she’s in the hospital,’ said Jean-Paul. ‘Or a mental institution.’

  ‘Or it could mean they’re separated and are still trying to work things out,’ Phoebe said.

  ‘Or it could mean they’re married, and he’s going to pick her up at the airport,’ I said. ‘No matter how you slice it, it’s not good.’

  ‘You’re right, Violet,’ Phoebe said. ‘You thought he had a secret, and he does.’

  I should have felt triumphant, but to tell the truth, I felt kind of glum. What would it do to my mom to find out that Dudley was just one more jerk to add to the jerk pile?

  We reached Jean-Paul’s street and stood for a moment on the pavement in the drizzle.

  ‘What are you going to do?’ asked Jean-Paul.

  Phoebe and I looked at each other. ‘Well, he is coming for dinner tonight,’ I said.

  ‘Careful,’ Phoebe cautioned. ‘Remember Jonathan.’

  ‘Jonathan got what he deserved.’

  ‘All I’m saying is, don’t m
ake a scene,’ Phoebe said. ‘Be a little more subtle.’

  I nodded. ‘I can do subtle.’

  •••

  Three hours later, our house started to fill up with guests. The first person to arrive was The Wiener. He was wearing his hideous mallard sweater again.

  He handed my mom a bottle of wine. ‘Homemade,’ he said, like this was a good thing. Then he handed Rosie and me small bottles of pink stuff. ‘It’s peppermint foot cream,’ he told us. ‘You’d be a heel not to like it.’

  Mom laughed. ‘Dudley, you’re such a goof.’

  I tossed my cream onto the hall table.

  ‘Violet, aren’t you going to introduce Phoebe?’ Mom asked.

  ‘Oh. Sure. This is Phoebe, my best friend,’ I said, indicating Phoebe, who was standing in the entranceway to the living room.

  ‘Pleased to meet you,’ Phoebe said.

  Dudley shook her hand. ‘You look familiar,’ he said to her. ‘You were in my shop today, weren’t you? Skip to My Loo? On Main?’

  Mom shot Phoebe and me a look.

  ‘I was studying today,’ Phoebe lied. ‘Perhaps it was my evil twin.’

  The doorbell rang again, saving us from further questions. Cathy and Günter stood on the front porch. ‘The bell’s working,’ Cathy exclaimed as they entered. Behind them, Amanda and Cosmo were making their way up the walk. They were holding hands and giggling, not looking at all like a couple who were having problems. Karen tottered in on her high heels a moment later.

  The front hall was filled with bodies as people took off their coats and handed over food and bottles of wine. Mom introduced everyone to Dudley, and they all tried to look like they weren’t checking him out in a big way. I could see beads of sweat forming on his freckled forehead, and, for a moment, I almost felt sorry for him.

  Until I remembered his wife.

  ‘Hey, Violet,’ Karen said as we made our way into the living room, ‘do you know a girl named Ashley Anderson?’

  Phoebe and I shared a look. ‘She’s a girl in my class. Why?’

  ‘I had a friend request from her on Facebook. We have one friend in common, and it’s you.’

  Ew. There was something creepy about knowing that Ashley had viewed my friends list. And why would she try to ‘friend’ one of them – someone she didn’t even know? ‘You didn’t friend her back.’

  ‘Sure I did.’

  ‘But you don’t even know her!’

  ‘So? I broke the three hundred mark. Now my goal is four hundred friends! Besides, what harm can it do?’

  I shook my head. Karen was an idiot. But on the other hand, she had a point: what harm could it do?

  After the adults had a predinner drink, Dudley helped Mom add the leaves to the dining table. Phoebe, Rosie, and I brought up extra folding chairs from the basement. Soon we were all sitting around the table eating my mom’s roasted lemon chicken, along with Amanda’s Caesar salad, Günter’s roasted vegetables, and Karen’s store-bought bread. The adults, minus Cosmo, drank a lot of wine. Phoebe and I kept kicking each other under the table as we watched one of Cosmo’s tattoos move on his biceps while he ate.

  ‘Ingrid, this chicken is poultry in motion,’ Dudley said.

  A few of the adults groaned. See? I wanted to shout. This is what I’ve had to put up with!

  ‘Dudley’s a bit of a punster,’ my mom said.

  ‘Lettuce not forget Amanda’s salad,’ said Cosmo with a grin.

  ‘And the roasted vegetables are parsnip-ularly delicious,’ Cathy added. ‘I yam very impressed.’

  Traitors, I thought.

  Cosmo started tapping the side of his water glass. ‘Since we’re all gathered here tonight, Amanda and I have some news.’ The table went quiet. ‘I’ve asked Amanda to marry me.’

  ‘And I’ve said yes,’ Amanda said.

  The room burst into spontaneous applause. Rosie leaped up and crawled onto Amanda’s lap and kissed her cheeks, then she kissed Cosmo’s cheeks, too, and everyone laughed.

  I was so happy, I felt tears spring to my eyes. Then just as quickly, I was hit by a wave of anxiety. What if it didn’t work out?

  ‘Ingrid, I’d like you to be my maid of honor.’

  ‘Absolutely.’

  ‘Karen, would you be one of my bridesmaids?’

  Karen shrugged. ‘Story of my life. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.’ Then she grabbed Amanda’s hand. ‘I’d love to.’

  ‘Who’s going to be your best man?’ Phoebe asked Cosmo.

  ‘A kid named Ambrose. He’s my downstairs neighbour, and he’s the reason Amanda and I met each other.’

  ‘You know how I told you Cosmo cancelled a date on me recently? He was picking out a ring with his mother,’ Amanda said. ‘And those times when it seemed like he wanted to tell me something—’

  ‘I was getting up the nerve to propose. I was terrified you’d say no,’ he said.

  Karen sighed heavily and knocked back the rest of her wine. ‘Where can I find a guy like you, Cosmo? Or like you, Dudley, or you, Günter?’

  ‘Not at the clubs you hang out at, that’s for sure,’ said Mom, and everyone laughed, even Karen.

  I couldn’t take my eyes off Amanda and Cosmo. They looked so unbelievably happy, it made my heart hurt. And then I remembered that Mom and Dad had probably looked that happy, too, when they’d decided to tie the knot.

  ‘Kind of funny when you think about it,’ I heard myself saying. ‘You two are getting married; my mom was married; and Dudley is married.’

  Dead silence. Phoebe kicked my shin under the table. Hard.

  ‘What on earth are you talking about?’ my mom said.

  My body was shaking, but I could hardly stop now. ‘A friend of mine just happened to be in your store today,’ I said, looking directly at Dudley, ‘and he overheard you on the phone. You said you were going to visit your wife tomorrow.’

  Dudley put down his fork. My mom put her head in her hands.

  ‘Violet,’ my mom said, ‘I’m going with Dudley tomorrow. And I’ve gone with him before.’

  My head was spinning. ‘You’ve met his wife? You’re having an affair with a married man? Didn’t you learn your lesson with Larry the Unibrow?’

  ‘My wife is dead, Violet,’ Dudley said quietly. ‘I go to visit her gravesite once a month.’

  Oh.

  Amanda finally broke the silence. ‘I’m so sorry, Dudley.’

  ‘Yeah, man, that’s rough,’ Cosmo added.

  ‘Do you mind telling us...?’ Karen began.

  ‘Not at all. It was ovarian cancer. She died five years ago.’

  Rosie climbed off Amanda’s lap and hurried around the table to crawl onto Dudley’s. ‘That’s sad,’ she said to him, as she gently stroked his cheek.

  ‘Yes, it is,’ he replied, and he looked like he was going to cry. My mom laid her hand on his shoulder. ‘She was a knitter too, you know,’ he said to Amanda. ‘She knit almost all my sweaters, including the one I’m wearing. It’s my favourite.’

  Great.

  No one glanced my way, except for Phoebe, who sat on my left. ‘Smooth. Like butter,’ she murmured.

  I waited for my mom to shout at me or send me to my room. But she didn’t. She didn’t even look at me. ‘But back to the good news. I’d like to raise a toast to Amanda and Cosmo. You make a wonderful couple, and I wish you great happiness together.’ She raised her wineglass.

  ‘Cheers!’ everyone shouted.

  I just sat very still in my chair. When people stood up to clear away dishes, I slipped upstairs to my room.

  I half-expected my mom to follow me and give me a big lecture, but she didn’t. No one came up, except for Phoebe. She knocked on my door a few minutes later and handed me a piece of cake. ‘That was your idea of subtle?’

  I just dipped my fi
nger into the icing.

  Phoebe sat across from me on Rosie’s bed. ‘Violet, I have to say something, and you’re probably not going to like it.’

  ‘Then don’t say it.’

  ‘You want your mom to be happy, right?’

  ‘Duh.’

  ‘So, maybe Dudley makes her happy. I mean, now that I’ve seen him and your mom together... he’s not a bad guy. He’s easygoing. He’s funny in a dorky, old-fashioned kind of way. And he’s almost cute, if you look at him in the right light—’

  I slammed my hands over my ears. ‘La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!’

  Phoebe stared at me till I stopped. ‘Very mature. I’m just giving it to you straight, Violet.’

  ‘Well, don’t.’ I could feel tears well up in my eyes. ‘You’re supposed to be my best friend.’

  ‘I am your best friend. Would you rather I be like Lauren and just say whatever you want to hear?’

  ‘Right now, yes! Your parents are together. They’re happy. You have no idea what it’s like.’

  ‘I do know what it’s like. I hear it from you every day!’

  ‘Well, I’m sorry to bore you. I won’t any more.’

  ‘Now you’re being an idiot.’

  ‘Leave me alone.’

  ‘Violet—’

  ‘Seriously. Get out.’

  Phoebe stared at me for a moment. Then she marched out of my room and slammed the door.

  I had never fought with Phoebe before.

  After she left, I locked myself in the upstairs bathroom and rearranged all the items under the sink, from largest to smallest. Then I rearranged them again, from smallest to largest. Then I cried a little. Then I went back to my bedroom and crawled into bed and fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

  18

  All was quiet when I woke up the next morning at ten. Rosie wasn’t in her bed. Eventually I forced myself to get up and tiptoed down to the kitchen.

  The house was empty. For a moment I was filled with panic, and a pile of irrational thoughts raced through my head: aliens had taken Mom and Rosie in the middle of the night; Dudley was really a mass murderer, who’d killed them and stuffed the bodies somewhere; or, and in some ways this was the worst thought of all, they’d just got so fed up with me that they’d packed their bags and left to build a new life somewhere else.