My Messed-Up Life Read online

  ‘Remember to bring binoculars,’ Phoebe said.

  ‘Binoculars, check.’

  ‘I’ll bring walkie-talkies.’

  ‘Walkie-talkies, check. I’ll bring sandwiches.’

  ‘And I’ll bring cookies and juice boxes.’

  ‘I like Dudley,’ Rosie piped up, her mouth full of pie.

  ‘I know you do. But we have to make sure he doesn’t have any nasty secrets. Remember Jonathan?’

  ‘He hurted Mom’s feelings.’

  ‘Exactly. We don’t want that to happen again, do we?’

  Rosie shook her head. She stuffed her last bite of pie into her mouth, then jumped out of her chair to find Günter, who’d promised to play a game with her on the Wii.

  ‘You know, we wouldn’t need to do any of this if George would just answer my letter,’ I said. It had been almost a month since I’d sent it, and I still didn’t have a response.

  Phoebe shrugged. ‘He’s probably really busy. Anyway, I’m glad we’re doing this. I’ll finally get to see what The Wiener looks like.’

  I sighed. ‘He looks like a wiener.’

  •••

  I couldn’t believe my mom was still seeing Dudley. She definitely wasn’t doing it for his looks. And she certainly wasn’t doing it for his stupid gifts. We were now the proud owners of a matching toothbrush holder to go with the soap dish, bathtub stickers, a toilet brush (! seriously), and toilet paper with hearts printed all over it.

  And she couldn’t be seeing him for his money because if he had any, he clearly didn’t like to spend it.

  ‘We went to a free jazz concert in a church,’ Mom told us one night.

  Or, ‘We went for a long walk down at Jericho Beach in the rain.’

  Or, ‘He took me to a free lecture by the Tree-Hugging Granny.’

  And she absolutely, positively wasn’t seeing him for his sense of humour. I’d recently had my darkest suspicions confirmed: Dudley was a punster.

  While he’d waited for Mom to get ready one night, Dudley played Go Fish with Rosie in the living room. ‘This game is starting to give me a haddock,’ he said. ‘Hey, you just had your tuna. Do you think I cod have my tuna now?’ Rosie, of course, thought this kind of wordplay was hilarious. He had her in hysterics. When Mom joined them, he said, ‘Rosie’s giving me a halibut hard time here, Ingrid.’

  Mom had actually giggled.

  ‘You do realise that puns are the lowest form of humour,’ I said.

  He’d nodded happily. ‘I know. But sometimes I just can’t help myself. I love words! I love the English language.’

  Then stop massacring it! I’d wanted to shout.

  Tonight The Wiener had taken my mom to the Vancouver Art Gallery. Why? Because it was pay-what-you-can Tuesday. Phoebe and I had decided that since the next day was a Professional Development day and we didn’t have to go to school, we would seize the opportunity to spy on Dudley.

  It wouldn’t be the first time we’d spied on one of Mom’s boyfriends, and we were quite good at it. We’d read the ultimate detective handbook, Harriet the Spy, at least three times each. And between us, we’d devoured a bunch of Sherlock Holmes stories and about ten of the Nancy Drew mysteries, after I’d discovered a box full of them at a yard sale two summers ago. Nancy was a little outdated, but some of her techniques were still relevant.

  Most of Mom’s dates had simply provided a chance for Phoebe and me to perfect my list of questions for interrogation purposes. For example, we didn’t add the question about addictions until after Carl, and we only added Are you married? after Larry the Unibrow. Most of them hadn’t lasted long enough for us to go into detective mode. Except for two.

  CASE #1: GUY FORNIER

  Guy was pronounced the French way, like ‘Gee’ with a hard G. Mom met him on Havalife. Guy had lots of thick black hair and designer glasses, which made him look smarter than he really was. He wore expensive suits and worked in an office building downtown, and he must have made a lot of money because he drove a very expensive sports car that had only two seats, which was the first clue that he wasn’t child-friendly.

  Guy hated Rosie and me. Oh, he’d fake it in front of my mom, but whenever she left the room, he’d go all cold and weird. Once, I’d simply asked him if he had a criminal record or any aliases we should know about, and he’d said to me, ‘Too bad your mom couldn’t put you up for adoption.’

  The thought of him becoming a more permanent part of our lives made me feel sick. So Phoebe and I took a page out of Sherlock Holmes and The Hound of the Baskervilles: we set a trap.

  Next time Guy was scheduled to pick Mom up, Phoebe and I bought a chocolate cake mix and told Rosie we were going to bake him a cake. We let Rosie add the water and the egg and stir. By the time she was done, her hands and face were covered in batter.

  The doorbell rang because it was still working back then. ‘I’ll get it!’ Rosie shouted, running out of the room.

  Phoebe and I followed. We watched from the hallway as Rosie did what we knew she would. She launched herself at Guy and threw her arms around him.

  He looked down at his white-and-blue pin-striped shirt and navy jacket, which were both covered in brown handprints. His face twisted with anger.

  FOR THE RECORD: If I’d had any idea what he was going to do next, I would never, ever have sent my sister into the line of fire.

  He grabbed her and smacked her on the bum. Once. Twice.

  Phoebe and I were so shocked, we couldn’t speak. I wanted to tear out his thick black hair. Rosie, of course, burst into tears.

  Mom tore down the stairs. ‘What happened?’ She grabbed Rosie, who was sobbing by now, and hugged her tight, not caring for one moment that she, too, was getting covered in batter.

  ‘He hit her,’ I whispered.

  ‘What?’

  ‘She got chocolate all over my suit!’ Guy shouted. ‘This is Hugo Boss!’

  Mom flipped. She told him that he was never, ever to lay a hand on her child. He told her he’d be sending her the dry-cleaning bill. She told him that he could take his dry-cleaning bill and shove it up his bum, except she didn’t use the word bum.

  Needless to say, we never saw Guy again. Case #1 closed.

  CASE #2: JONATHAN FRYE

  Of all the guys my mom dated post-Dad, he was the one who came closest to sweeping her off her feet. And she wasn’t the only one who fell for him – we all did. He was handsome; he was a successful lawyer; and he liked Rosie and me. He’d always show up with flowers for my mom and little toys for us.

  Karen introduced Mom to Jonathan at a party, and they hit it off right away. I could tell that Mom was really falling for him because our house hadn’t been that clean since before Dad left. Jonathan was a neat and tidy kind of guy, so even though she’d be pooped after work, Mom would get out the vacuum cleaner or the duster and clean for a while. I even saw her wash the floors once or twice.

  Jonathan would take her out at least twice a week, and he would have supper with us at least once a week, and he would call her every night before she went to sleep.

  I even started telling my dad about Jonathan on our Sunday-morning phone calls. ‘He’s a great guy. Super-handsome. He makes tonnes of money. And he treats Mom really, really well.’

  ‘Huh. Well, that’s great,’ he’d say, and I could tell that only part of him meant it.

  ‘We spend a lot of time with him, actually. Way more time than we do with you.’

  I laid it on pretty thick.

  I even started fantasising about what it would be like if Jonathan became our stepdad. I’d lie in bed at night thinking about it, and it would help me fall asleep. We’ll probably move to a much nicer house, I’d think. Maybe he’ll teach me how to play basketball. My dad had promised to do this with me, then he’d left. Maybe he’ll kiss us on our foreheads at bedtime, along with my
mom, and leave the hall light on for Rosie until she falls asleep. Maybe he’ll let me ride on his shoulders once in a while, even though I’m getting too big.

  But after they’d been dating for about four months, things cooled off. There were nights when he didn’t phone. Sometimes my mom would call him, but there would be no answer. Then he started cancelling some of their plans, saying he had to work late.

  That’s when Phoebe and I decided to walk in the footsteps of Harriet the Spy.

  The next time Jonathan cancelled a date with my mom, Phoebe told her parents she was going to my house to study. I told my mom I was going to Phoebe’s house to study. Armed with binoculars and plenty of snacks, we took a bus to Jonathan’s apartment in the West End. It was a really nice place, right across the street from English Bay, with a tree growing on the roof. We stood on the beach side of the street, and from our position we could see right into his second-floor apartment. The blinds were open, but he wasn’t home.

  We hung out for over an hour. Because it was spring, it was still light out, even though by this time it was eight o’clock. The hot-dog vendor nearby kept giving us funny looks. We were just about to pack it in when we saw Jonathan. He was walking down the street arm in arm with a woman in a short black skirt and high heels. He took out his keys, and they disappeared into his building together.

  ‘Maybe it’s his sister,’ Phoebe said.

  A few minutes later, we saw them in his apartment. We both lifted our binoculars to get a better look.

  Jonathan and the woman started to make out, right in front of the window. After a few minutes, Jonathan closed the blinds.

  ‘Probably not his sister,’ Phoebe said.

  We lowered our binoculars. For some reason, I had an overwhelming urge to cry. That wasn’t just my mom’s boyfriend up there with another woman. It was my fantasy stepfather.

  So I did cry. The hot-dog vendor stared at us. Phoebe bought two dogs from him, and he handed me a stack of extra napkins so I could blow my nose. The two of us headed back to the bus stop, eating our hot dogs and wondering how we were going to break the news to my mom.

  •••

  What happened was this: the next time Jonathan came for dinner, I invited Phoebe over for moral support. When we were halfway through the meal, I just came right out and asked, ‘So, Jonathan, who was that woman you were with last week?’

  Jonathan looked at me, perplexed. ‘What woman?’

  ‘You know, the one you were kissing in your apartment.’

  Jonathan almost choked on his pasta. ‘You have quite the active imagination, Violet.’ He tried smiling, but he just looked constipated.

  ‘Violet, what are you talking about?’ my mom said in a quiet voice. Rosie had gone really quiet, too.

  I didn’t answer. I just looked at Jonathan, my heart racing. I was hoping there might actually be a logical explanation.

  But all he said was ‘I don’t want to discuss this in front of the kids.’

  So Mom made the three of us go upstairs.

  We could hear the yelling from our bedroom. Poor Rosie was in tears. ‘Why would he kiss another lady when he could kiss Mommy any time he wants?’ she asked.

  Phoebe and I tried to take her mind off things by playing Operation with her, but Rosie just threw the wrenched ankle and the broken heart down an air vent. Then she had a tantrum and locked herself in the bathroom, and Phoebe and I couldn’t get her out.

  Jonathan left about fifteen minutes later, and Mom came upstairs with a screwdriver and took off the whole doorknob in order to get Rosie out. After she’d rocked Rosie to sleep, she told Phoebe and me to come downstairs. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I figured at the very least we’d get a thank-you.

  Nope. Mom was furious with us – for lying to her and to Phoebe’s parents and for spying on Jonathan. But she never saw him again.

  Mom wasn’t herself for quite a while after that. She called in sick to work for a full week and barely left her bed. I took over making breakfast and packing lunches for Rosie and me and getting us out the door for school, and, come to think of it, I’ve been doing all of those things ever since. When we’d come home, Mom would still be in her robe, her hair unwashed. After the third day, she started to smell a little. Karen and Amanda took turns coming over in the evenings. Amanda would bring different herbal teas; Karen would bring booze.

  It was like the whole thing with my dad all over again, but in some ways, this was even worse.

  ‘It’s the cumulative effect,’ Amanda tried to explain to me one night. ‘I think she’s wondering if all the men she decides to trust will disappoint her in the end.’

  ‘Maybe I shouldn’t have told her,’ I said.

  Amanda sighed. ‘You were trying to do the right thing. Your mom knows that.’

  After a week, Mom went back to work, but I’d still catch her crying at the weirdest moments, like when we’d all be watching reruns of Friends. I wasn’t doing too great, either. One day, I locked myself in the bathroom and cut off all my hair. I don’t know why I did it, I just had this urge. A few days later, I vowed to myself that I would never, ever have a boyfriend.

  ‘That’s ridiculous,’ Phoebe said when I told her.

  I shrugged. ‘A lot of single women lead rich and fulfilling lives.’

  ‘How are things going with your mom and Jonathan?’ my dad asked the next time we spoke. My mom was in the room, reading a magazine.

  ‘Actually,’ I said, ‘they broke up.’ My mom glanced up from her magazine.

  There was silence on the other end for a moment. ‘What happened?’

  ‘Jonathan was putting pressure on her,’ I told him, looking my mom in the eye. ‘He wanted to settle down and get married. Mom wasn’t ready to get that serious. She loves being single.’

  ‘Oh,’ Dad replied. ‘Oh.’

  For the first time in weeks, my mom smiled.

  11

  ‘Subject is female, approximately forty years of age, mildly attractive if you ignore her pear shape. Over,’ Phoebe said through the walkie-talkie.

  She was walking outside Dudley’s store, which was at Eleventh and Main. The store was called, I kid you not, Skip to My Loo.

  Since I was the recognisable one, I was on the other side of the street, crouched behind a newspaper box. I peered at the store through my binoculars. I could just make out Dudley, talking to the pear-shaped woman.

  ‘They don’t seem to know each other,’ Phoebe said through the walkie. ‘I think she’s looking for towels. Over.’

  Sure enough, five minutes later the woman left the store with a great big shopping bag.

  I lowered the binoculars and sighed. We’d been on our stakeout for over an hour, and, in spite of the clear skies and my extra fleece, I was bored and cold. Contrary to what TV shows make you believe, detective work can be a snore.

  ‘Hi, Pamplemousse.’

  I almost jumped out of my skin. Jean-Paul stood over me. He was wearing his bomber jacket and jeans, with a grey-and-blue scarf around his neck and a matching toque on his head.

  He looked spectacular. From a strictly objective perspective, of course.

  ‘Jean-Paul!’ I squeaked. ‘What are you doing here?’

  ‘My guitar teacher lives a few blocks away. I booked an extra lesson since we had the day off school.’ I finally registered the guitar case he was carrying. And I called myself a detective.

  ‘Who are you spying on?’

  ‘What makes you think I’m spying on anyone?’

  ‘You’re crouched behind a newspaper box with binoculars around your neck and a walkie-talkie in your hand.’

  ‘I’m not—’

  The walkie crackled to life. ‘Is that Jean-Paul?’ said Phoebe’s disembodied voice. ‘Did you tell him we’re in the middle of a stakeout? Over.’

  I sighed. ‘No, but
I will now. Over.’

  Phoebe crossed the street to join us, and the three of us ducked into a coffee shop. Jean-Paul ordered a hot chocolate, and Phoebe and I split a tea since we only had a toonie. At first, I just told him the basics: that Dudley was my mom’s new boyfriend and we wanted to make sure he was legit. But Jean-Paul asked a lot of questions, and next thing I knew, I’d poured out the whole story – about my dad leaving us for Jennica; about Guy; about Jonathan.

  When I was finished, he was really quiet.

  ‘I guess it sounds crazy,’ I said, and I suddenly felt a huge knot in my stomach. What if Jean-Paul wasn’t as nice as he seemed? What if he chose to blab everything I’d just told him to the other kids at school? Phoebe and I were already far enough down the food chain. We didn’t need something like this to send us tumbling even farther.

  ‘Before we left Winnipeg,’ he said, ‘my mom was dating this guy for a while. Jack. I couldn’t stand him. He tried to boss me around all the time. I was almost relieved when she got the job out here – even though it took me away from my dad – because it took us far away from Jack.’

  He looked me right in the eye. ‘So, no, I don’t think you’re crazy. You’re just trying to protect your family, right?’

  ‘Right!’

  Phoebe squeezed my thigh under the table, and I knew we were both thinking the same thing: Jean-Paul was one hundred per cent awesomeness. From a strictly objective perspective, of course.

  When we’d finished our drinks, Phoebe said, ‘I’m going to go into the store now.’

  ‘I can go in too,’ Jean-Paul said. ‘When Phoebe gets back.’

  Phoebe and I looked at him, surprised. ‘You don’t have to do that,’ I said.

  ‘I want to. It would be fun, going undercover.’

  So we agreed: Phoebe would go in first to see what she could find out, and Jean-Paul would go in after her. And while Phoebe was in the shop, Jean-Paul and I would crouch down behind the newspaper box across the street. Just the two of us. Alone, together.